Day 5 of 30-Day Blog Challenge

Day 5 – A photo of yourself two years ago.

This was how fun fieldwork truly was. With my fieldmate, Justin. He and I are doing fighting shots.

Two years ago was the year 2008. In the events of my life, 2008 was one big emotional roller coaster ride. Let me enumerate why:

1. I learned I was not graduating on time. It took me a while to really accept this fact.
2. I had a hard time with adjusting to the new campus and having new set of friends
3. Math 14, economics and statistics were total bitches. They were primary the reasons why I was delayed. Plus their schedule were in conflict with my major subjects hence I enroll them in another semester.

See how depressed I was as I wrote this blog on October 13, 2008:
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When I get depressed, my thoughts usually gravitate towards philosophy and life. At this given moment, I lay dumb-founded in my bed unable to think straight; unable to focus. Call it the “finals-jitters” or better yet a nervous breakdown. Yes, I think that is just the right term to call this physical sickness I am currently feeling. I just feel so sick, the feeling of vomiting but worse (my hands are shaking and I think I may actually faint later). There is no room for any errors now. I have been pressuring myself from day one since class started. I have worked hard and my efforts are sacrificial.  

But the rants are not the bulk of my philosophical thoughts. “Sure we all have our bad days, but there is a notion that tomorrow is another day to live life; even better than the last one. Life is beautiful, why waste in having a negative mindset?” says the optimistic fellow, named Paul. I wanted to believe in him and all the flowery adjectives he could possibly associate with life. I wanted to believe in life’s graciousness again… but can’t, as of the moment.

 It is at this given moment where I think I gave up. I used to believe in myself. Believe that everything and anything is possible if you just put your mind into it. It is at this moment where things are not going MY way. The minute I started to question myself, everything goes downhill from there.

 It is at this given moment where I feel like I stand in the middle of nowhere. The world suddenly seems dark. My dreams are there at the end of the tunnel… but there is no light at the end of the tunnel. My dreams suddenly became just that: dreams. It is like waking up to a bad day, and your dreams are those kinds that you cannot recall right after waking up. It switched to being part of your consciousness and now buried deep in your sub-conscious. 

 I am in the point of emotional and physical sickness. My nerves have totally taken over me; my spirit-dampened; my energy-drained; my mind-lost. It is at this moment I question life and its oddities. 

Where is this all leading to?

 It is at this moment I lost the will to live. These words I may take back tomorrow or the day after that; but at this given moment I gave up on everything I used to believe in.

 It is at this given moment that I question life. My life. My existence and where this is all leading to.

 And then I think about tomorrow…

…another day to contemplate about life.

…another day to find the person I once were.

…another day to find the reason to live

… hoping tomorrow… could save me.

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GOSH DARN IT, I WAS SUCH A DRAMA QUEEN! HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Kidding aside, the 2008 excerpt of my blog was not a joke as I really felt depressed like the world's-about-to-end kind of feeling. It was all because I couldn't graduate on time, and it scared the daylight out of me. Before I wrote that blog, I cried to my mother and she comforted me that my problem wasn't an issue with her and that I shouldn't be depressed and all that. But I guess when you were younger, simple things like these are magnified. We learn to face hardships better as we grow old and that my friends are just some of the things I learn after two years (aside from learning that having your eyebrows threaded every month is a must). Bow.

P.S.
I almost forgot that it is my birthday today! This is a scheduled post heehee. I wrote this on Sept. 30, 2010. I guess by now I am in a bus on my back to Manila. :3